What is a good comprimise, or how can I tell my husband that him working all the time is driving me insane?
I always let my husband go hunt, and go to calf ropings. Its been like that since the beginning of our marriage almost 8 yrs. ago. The problem now is that we have a toddler, and him going out every night is driving me insane. He tells me its work because he is breaking colts while he is hunting and roping, and yeah that equals more money for us when he sells them, but its like every night there is a roping or a friend comes over to hog hunt on our place with him. I mean I know he isn’t cheating because I know where he is at all times, and the ropings are held here, its just that he is busy until he comes in at sometimes 2 in the morning. He is with his friends this whole time having a good time and drinking, and I am stuck in the house with my son (who is wanting his daddy the whole time) I’m cooking for usually him AND his 4 friends, and now I need to study for school, and I need a break from all this. We live literally 40 miles from anywhere, no neighbors or family close, so I have zero help. I’m going insane. I know he is working and I feel guilty for asking him to slow down, because he has always been a workaholic, its just that his work is his fun as well, and I have no fun. My break is the one class I take at the college 50 miles away, one night a week, and its work. The rest of the days I am online taking classes, cooking cleaning, running around after my son, and then my husband doesn’t help at all. Since I married him this way is it fair for me to ask him to change just because we now have a child? Or is that wrong? I am sorry this is such a long rant, I just need advice, and my friends all say the same thing which is “leave him” Which I wouldn’t do because we have a passion and love for each other and we are soul mates. This is the only issue. What should I say to him?
My add details never work, but I’ll try…
He works here also. He has no boss, which makes him work harder for us. I have told him, but its stuff that in his mind needs to be done. I think he should hire out more help, but he sees money wasted that way. There are over 150 cows to feed, horses to feed and train, dogs to take care of, pastures to mow, and there isn’t enough time in the day. I guess I should just hire someone for him myself, but that would probably aggervate him. I don’t know. Its just hard.
you can’t just tell him what you posted here?
This is exactly what you say….and remember you need to say it veeeeerrryyyy gently. Ok here it goes…”Hey honey, you’re being a huge douchebag. Try staying home one night. Thanks.”
You’re Welcome
put a strange saddle at the foot of the bed and when he ask about it just tell him if he were home more he would not have to worry about who it belong to. see if that makes him change
Leaving him isn’t the answer. I don’t understand why when there is a problem so many people jump to that….”Well just leave him”
This is an issue yes. It isn’t fair of him to be out all night every night. While you are at home taking care of everything else. He has a son now, and therefore he should be there for him. I don’t think you are being unreasonable wanting him to slow down. Maybe he can start doing this 2-3 nights a week instead of all of them? Or maybe less. Yes money is important but what do you have left after that? No time spent with this family all for an extra couple bucks. I make sure (and my husband too) that our evenings are spent together as a family with our son. If something comes up, then that’s fine. But you have to have time together. Your son is going to resent that his daddy is never there, and you are going to resent your husband more and more, to the point that yes….you will want to leave him. Please have a serious talk to with him about how you feel about all this. Tell him exactly your concerns and your frustrations with this. You need time too! And time as a family is number one. Good Luck, I hope it all works out for the best.
Hopefully your love and compassion for each other with you being soul mates will hit the mark when you tell him ‘ Honey you need to be home more in the evenings, we have a child now, things are different, and I want that child to know and love its father”
You see Honey the child is not going to remember all the lovely goodies he or she grew up with just cos Daddy made a lot of money, no he or she will remember the warmth and the love of the affecton both parents showed him or her. That in turn will turn your child into a wonderful parent one day themselves.
You also need to point out to him as he is a workalcoholic, that his boss won’t give a monkies when he keels over from stress that leads to a heart attack and he is only 45. The boss will send a bunch of flowers for the funeral and not even pay that out of his own pocket, but take it from company expenses. So why the hell is your man working his bollocks off for another man, sorry to be crude, but he is making his bosses life more luxuorious whilst you and your child miss the man you both love and need to much.
Show this to Hubby and tell him contact me, yep, I am the bullying grandmother type, and I tell it like it is.
I think this is the problem. Women marry men one way and then, they expect them or want them to change at some point. You’ve let this go on for eight years now, if you had a problem with it, you should have spoken up about it. As it is, I think you should express to your husband how you are feeling and ask him if he would made cutting it back, but if he doesn’t just don’t be angry because you have to keep in mind this is how he’s always been.
Your friends are not giving you good advice. They’re telling you to leave him without even trying to work it out. You need to sit down with hubby and honestly discuss everything you’ve wrote here. You need to limit how often his friends can come here, as it entails more work for you. Hubby needs to be with his family more than he needs to be with his friends. If he does this during the day, then continuing it till 2 AM doesn’t sound right to me. He’s acting like he’s still single. And that’s not right. There must be times when it’s family times only. You sound like you need a break and big time. Tell hubby that you’re going out with your friends and he’s to take care of the kid. You guys might benefit from a marriage therapist. There’s a child involve now and he can’t go on the way he is. Only you can decide if you’re better off with or without him. Good luck.
So talk to him and provide reasonable suggestions on how to make it better for you and not take away all of his time. Maybe suggest he help inside with your toddler Tuesday’s and Thursdays for two to four hours while you study, etc. then he can go out. The best thing is to tell him he needs to be more involved directly with your toddler and you need some time to release and study. Good luck
You should tell him everything you just said. Any reasonable man would understand that you need some help, some time to grow yourself through your education. Heck, some time with someone in your own age group.
Give him a chance to show you that he understands. Tell him how you feel. Don’t just “leave him”.
You two desperately need marriage counseling with husband. He is a big baby and has no idea of parental responsibilities. He is not a husband, just a provider. Your silence tells him all is fine. You are delusional.
You must get into therapy alone if he refuses to go. You must eventually move with child near your family and friends to continue studies. Having a kid does not mean a happy marriage. He gets all the fun and extra marital sex ( and he does) , while you get zero.
I’d take the kid eventually and move to a relives and continue school. You can do this, and your stories to a marriage counselor become court records, especially his rarely being home and never helping out. And if there is no longer romance (claim there isn’t), the marriage is dead anyway. BTW: If you do occasionally have sex, end it…He probably won’t even mind. He is playing day and night, and you are very naive to think he is not cheating. His pals cover for him, that is all. MOVE after 5 or ten sessions with a therapist and do not tell him.
You have passion that’s great!!! I was told that’s one of the 3 key elements to have a healthy marriage/relationship. the other two are trust and communication… sounds like you have trust as well from what I read.
So the communication is a bit off. (you sound like me and my man) What you want isn’t no unrealistic.
I mean ask yourself did you do the same things you did 10 years ago? how about 20 years ago? We all change some things don’t but somethings do. As long as you are growing together… I think you do that by using the communication tools. lol;) I’m still a bit new to it but try telling him how you feel in place of asking.
something like
I feel overwhelmed and i really want to sit down and talk tonight. I feel sometimes you excape the craziness in this house by going to work and leaving me here all the time. I know you do love your job so it was hard for me to say that. but I think it’s okay to feel that way too. I just don’t feel that I get any breaks other than school. Ask him for 1 night out of the week that you can have for yourself at least for your studies. don’t ask for all of it but express how you would like to grow to gether and focus a tad more on family since he is going to be a father. His kids will want him to be home too and he needs to get into touch with that.
Good luck
Yes you married him this way, and pulling back the reigns will make you feel somewhat wrong and maybe guilty. But it’s right!…. which is creating some mixed feelings within yourself, not to mention some resentment towards him for the imbalance. This is a case of; You gave him him your hand, and he took the whole arm.
You have some different roles as husband and wife, however somethings should be equal. Like work, and fun; like child rearing and and just having time for oneself. Sounds like the calibrations are off the charts here.
Sitting down and getting to the meat of this is vital. Otherwise your bent so far, you’re gonna snap. Have some ideas ready for him, and make the proposed changes progressive, by this I mean not demanding too much right away. Set time-lines for your requests. It’s essential in making the changes acceptable to the person who will be losing some of his benefits. The smoother the transition, the less tension there will be between you during the changes. Like putting some light oil on a rusty bolt before you force it to undo itself.
Best of luck…….
Just tell him how you feel. Tell him that you need “you time,” and he needs to help with your son, so you can do that.