Want to chuckle at some old jokes?
ByHunting Accident Joke
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.” The guy says “Is your brother a doctor?” To which the doctor replies, “No, he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”
Newspaper Ad Joke
A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… “Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.”
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out. After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”
So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”
Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”
Waking From Anaesthesia Joke
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re so beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re so cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was now “cute”. She asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”
Bags Under Eyes Joke
There is this woman who has bags under her eyes and wants to get them removed in the hope that she could look younger again. She goes to a plastic surgeon, and tells the doctor “No matter what I try, I cant get rid of these bags, please help me.” The doctor examines her for a minute and says “I’ll try a new experimental technique. It involves putting a crank in the back of your head. When you see bags under your eyes you’ll simply need to turn the crank and the bags will go away.” So she gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she can’t get rid of those bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won’t go away. So she goes to the doctor once again and says, “Doctor! This was working for a while, but now I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes.” The doctor replies, “Lady those aren’t bags… those are your Boobs !” All she had to say was, “Now that would explain why I have this goatee.”
7 Comments
March 10th, 2010 at 2:24 pm
Ha ha ha ha, these are brilliant, very well done, but how about this in response:-
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.” Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”
March 10th, 2010 at 3:22 pm
hahaha those are great
March 10th, 2010 at 4:11 pm
hahaha…. funny
check out this joke:
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
“Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”
March 10th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
ha ha not bad at all
March 10th, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Lol. I like the two first ones.
March 10th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Funny Stuff Desert Dweeb.
March 10th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Hahaha!
Now one for you:
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”