Hunting Accident Joke

A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a doctor. When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave him a business card. “This is my brother’s card. I’ll make an appointment for you to see him.” The guy says “Is your brother a doctor?” To which the doctor replies, “No, he plays the flute. He’ll show you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

Newspaper Ad Joke

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this… “Looking for man with these qualifications: won’t beat me up, or run away from me, and is great in bed.”

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but one in particular stood out. After giving the man her address, he came to her house. She opening the door for him and the man said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.”

So the lady says, “What makes you think you are great in bed?”

Bob replies, “I rang the door bell didn’t I?”

Waking From Anaesthesia Joke

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re so beautiful.” Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re so cute!” The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was now “cute”. She asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful’?” The man replied, “The drugs are wearing off!”

Bags Under Eyes Joke

There is this woman who has bags under her eyes and wants to get them removed in the hope that she could look younger again. She goes to a plastic surgeon, and tells the doctor “No matter what I try, I cant get rid of these bags, please help me.” The doctor examines her for a minute and says “I’ll try a new experimental technique. It involves putting a crank in the back of your head. When you see bags under your eyes you’ll simply need to turn the crank and the bags will go away.” So she gets the crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she can’t get rid of those bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just won’t go away. So she goes to the doctor once again and says, “Doctor! This was working for a while, but now I can’t seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes.” The doctor replies, “Lady those aren’t bags… those are your Boobs !” All she had to say was, “Now that would explain why I have this goatee.”