Good book?((Long sorry))Plus I need a name!?
ByOnce upon a time…
Yep, I wish those kind of things were true. Fairy tales, fairy godmothers, and princes. I really wish I had the ‘happly every after’ too.
I live in the tiny town of Brookline, Vermont. Population 447. I have been living here ever since I could breath. Also, ever since I could breath I have 2 friends. Racheal Smith and Rizzo Hunt. We have many differences, but we haven’t ever split up. Riz is well, a spaz, you wouldn’t able calm her down if you gave her even a sip of Mountain Dew. She has so good parts about her, though, she is the peace-maker, and she is as loyal as a dog. Racheal is more of the calm type. She has amazing ideas and came resolve any proble you throw at her, which is a VERY good thing.
We all go to school at Brickford School. Well, we use to. After a totally freak accident, our school was burnt to the ground and were forced to go to school at the Brookline Junior High. Summer break ends in a few days and off we go to Brookline.
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“Lexi, your’e gonna be late for the bus!”
“Coming Mom.” I mummbled as I dragged my sorry butt down stairs.
“Oh, come on Lex, Junior High won’t be so bad!” my mother said in her cheery, high pitched voice.
Just then I heard 3 loud honks coming fromour drive.
“Got to go Mom! See ya’!” Then I was out the door.
“Hey Lexi! Over here!”
It was Rizzo. At least she was on my bus.
“Who are they?” I whispered and nodded at a tall, slender blonde with, what I thought, his beautiful girlfriend with golden curls.
“I’m not really sure, but he is HOT!” That’s Rizzo for you. It seems she became even more boy crazy.
10 mintues passed, 20, then 30 and finally Racheal glided onto the bus. She look gorgeous with her light brown hair and brilant blue eyes. She had a long slender boby and she was very tall compared to Riz and me. She looked like she floated to us and gracefully sat down.
“Hiya Racheal!” Rizzo sang.
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The bus slowed and then jerked to a halt. Oh man! At school already! I got up and stumbled to the door with Riz and Racheal following. Once we were off we all looked at each other and Rizzo screamed.
“Oh hot dog! We are at the school! Oh man I can’t wait! I wonder if I have any classes with you guys! Oh! Look at the size of the building! I can’t wait! OH BOY!!!” Only she said it like it was one word.
“Riz, did you have Coco Puffs today?” Racheal asked harmlessly.
We all stomped off to the office, Rizzo tripping a few times. Once I got my classes, I looked up at my two friends, mostly Racheal because she was so tall, and asked to dreaded questions.
“What classes did you get?”
Rizzo answered in a split second, “Math, Bio, Spanish…..” The rest was blur because she was talking so fast.
“Racheal?”
“Bio, Spanish, Math….” That was a blur, too. Not that she was talking so fast, but because I had no classes with her, too!
“Shoot!”
“What is it Lexi?” They asked simounously.
“We have no classes together!”
“Drat!”
“Fiddlesticks!”
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I grumbled the whole way to Languge. Why me!? Did I have to go through all this! I guess it wasn’t big at all.
And then I saw them. They were so beautiful. I thought I was going to be sick. This group was show-stopping gorgeous and they were in the same room as me?
They where all gathered in the back of Mr. Bowe’s class. There were four of them. The two tall golden blondes that ride on my bus, only they looked even more perfet. There was also a shorter brunette one. He had fierce green eyes. One of his amgios was the tallest of the four and had jet black hair. He also had amazingly gold eyes. When I finally brought my attention away fr
When I finally brought my attention away from their lovely appearence I looked for an empty seat. I found one across from a carmel haired girl with breath taking ice blue eyes. I sat down in my hard blue plasic chair and the girl looked up.
“Hi! I’m Zamira Marple, or could call me Zam. Are you new here? I didn’t see you last year.”
“Um, ya,” I stuttered still stuned by her eyes. They look more white as I looked into them. Just then I relized that we were going to have a very strong friendship.
Class seemed to last forever even though all I did was stare at the group at the back of the room. I didn’t know what, but something was very different about them.
My morning classes seemed to last for ages. When lunch finally came my stomach was growling at me.
“Shut up!” I raved at it when I sat down by Zamira.
“What did I do?” She joked.
“Nothing it’s my stomach, I don’t think I’ll ever be use to going so long without food.”
“Eat a bigger breakfast,” Zamira mubbled as sh
stuffed an apple in her mouth.
“Hiya Lex!” Rizzo sang and danced into her seat and she waved at Zamira. “Hiya! I’m Rizzo, are you in Lexi’s class?”
“Hi, I’m Zamira,” She kindly said and bent over her food again.
“Hey, guys.” Another famliar voice. This time it was Racheal.
“Racheal this Zamira! She is our new buddy!” Riz sang. Any thing Rizzo said came out in a high-pitched sing. Zamira looked up and gave a heart warming smile to Racheal, Racheal retured the smile. I was searching the lunchroom for the mystrious group when I was pelted by a grape.
“Ow!” I grumbled and turned around. Just then another grape hit me right between my eyebrows. I looked around and found two boys sitting at a table across the room. One tall with long blonde hair that almost covered his eyes. He was wearing baggy jeans with holes in them. His friend next him was shorter with a buzz cut and wearing the same type of outfit. They both had skateboards that were resting against their table. They w
table. They were both laughing their heads off. One of them, the taller one, grabed his skateboard and came over to me. His friend followed.
“Hey…I’m…Hayden..” The tall one said between laughs. “and…this…is…Zeke! You must be Alexis Gramm!”
“Lexi,” Rizzo corrected him. They sat down and started talking although my thoughts were elsewhere. Where was the clique I saw in Mr. Bowe’s class? I scanned the large cafatiria in search of the beautiful troop. The jet black haired boy caught my eye. I took a second glance and he was gone. Was crazy or was he really there? A waving hand interruped my halusonations.
“Earth to Lexi! You haven’t even touched your food! CanI have it?” It was one of the new boys, Zeke I think. Suddenly I wasn’t very hungry.
“Um, sure, whatever.” With that quick of words my chocolate pudding was gone. I started to scan again and the boy appeared and dispeared again. I grabbed my coat and bolted towards the doors, I need some fresh air. Once
Once I was outside I sat on a cold rock and started thinking. Who were these people? They were so perfet and they could disapear so fast were they even human? What if- I was interrupted again by Racheal and Zamira sitting down by me.
“Why did run out on us?” Racheal asked with her same affectionate voice.
“Oh, it’s nothing. I just needed to -” RING! Yes, saved by the bell. I rushed indoors and raced to Spanish.
Spanish was a drag. I tried to pay the best of attention to the lesson, but my thoughts started to drift to the clique again. I didn’t ever look up from my textbook to look around the room. I wouldn’t even notice if a bunch of little green men came and took over the school. All I thought about was the alluring boy with golden eyes, the golden haired couple, and the short brunette boy. I tried to pick out what was different about them. Was it only their looks? Maybe it was that they looked like they were in a posse. Another bell rang and I ran to my locker
I twisted to knob and heard to clink as I pulled it open. It was empty besides a few books and my binders. When I pulled my Trig book out a small envelope fell to the ground. I picked up hands shaking. I slowly slid my finger over the front tracing the letters A L E X I S. I turned it over and shyly opened the flap. I pulled out a cream colored card written in graceful script. My hands were shaking so hard the print was almost imposible to read. I tooking a gulp of air and started to read.
I don’t know why I was making a big deal out of all of this. After all they were all humans, right? Well, at least I hope so. I had to find out what their secret was! For all I know they were bankrobbers or ailens trying to take over the world! There I go again. Worst case snerio. I shoved all of books back in the small blue locker and ran to the nurses office I was going to be sick!
“How may I help you sweetie?” A kind old lady asked as she stumbled in her high heels to me.
“Can I lie down?” I asked. She looked at me with curious face.
“Sure honey, you are white as a ghost.” She glided me to a small cot with a quilt that looked ancient. I feebly sat and laid down. The nurse closed the door of the small room and walked away. I tried to unravel the mystrious note.
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I need help on what the note should say!
Also the the “clique” are supernaturals so help on the book’s name? Thanks!!!

8 Comments
March 7th, 2010 at 12:52 pm
ok first off, u should fix the mistakes. but other wise i think its a really awesome book! i would read it if it all got published. good job on it. must of took you a long time to type. but seriuosly i really like it.
March 7th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
i say u should name it fiddlesticks lol
jkjkjk
ok so the name i would choose for it is Golden Capture… because she seems to be captured in their golden eyes and golden hair..
lol
March 7th, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I am usually one of the last ones that ever says anything like this..
BUT
this is really close to Twilight. You’ve a group of 4 extremely beautiful mysterious people that are very white… come on can you say vampire here?!?!?! you may have changed the demographic a bit with looks and such but still it sounds way to close. So Bella isn’t by herself but has a few really close friends… still way too close.
I’d advise you rereading it and making a few more changes to step it further from the Twilight Template and really make something of your own. Your writing isn’t bad and you’ve a good imagination just make sure you aren’t setting out to make a Twilight fan-fiction with different character names.
March 7th, 2010 at 2:14 pm
when you described the clique it kinda reminded me about the book twilight when bella first sees the cullens/hales. but it is really good so far! If you finish it you should try to get it publishesd or put it on a free website like “freewebs.com” if you do, please e-mail me the URL! the book is so good so far and i want to read the rest!!! but sorry i only hav one title but its kinda random for some reason i just thought of “Ripple” or “Wave” but idk ; \
March 7th, 2010 at 3:05 pm
I think it is really good… aside from the fact that it seemed also like twilight. but other than that it’s really good…i also liked the beginning good luck with the rest and add a personal twist to it…:)
(o and i did read the whole thing i swear!!)
March 7th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
I have no idea what the note should say(sorry0. I don’t even know what the story line is going to be, but as for the name how about something like Golden Eyes and for the next one you could do green eyes and so on? (if you make a next one that is) Also you should go back and fix the grammar errors in it.
March 7th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
It sounds quite a bit like Twilight, you should change it up a bit. Also fix the grammatical errors.
March 7th, 2010 at 4:03 pm
I think your story is OK. You need to fix the grammar/spelling.
It seemed to me that you spent much to much time describing peoples’ hair color.
And I don’t think people take Trig in junior highschool…
Your note could be anything… A love note, a warning of some kind, or even a note that was put there by mistake.
You have got to decide what will happen in your story before you keep writing. It’s hard to make up a story as you go. Knowing where your characters will end up and what will happen will make things so much easier.
Best of luck!